yesterday was our church fellowship 10th anniversary. it was a timely reminder of the wonderful grace of God throughout these 10 years together.

it began when we shifted from hougang to geylang, with a small fellowship size of less than 20. i was 13 when i started serving in the fellowship as a music coordinator, and together with jasper we played the piano in fellowship every sat. at that point of time i served humbly although it was quite an insignificant role. i prob knew how to play the songs better than i could sing them. However, other than my own duties, i was never really involved in the other fellowship ministries as i felt it wasn't really my concern.

it was indeed a start. the seeding of this ego in me, egged on by praises by random church members as i played for service. it did get the better of me. for a long time, i was serving God for my own pride and not truly to glorify God. i guess i was surprised at how easily i got conceited about it. and i started serving only when i had to, devoting more time to school, studies, etc. i found coming to fellowship a chore, and preparing for service a chore as well as i didn't really have time to practice till the very last min.

i guess this is what they meant by if you do not cherish what God gave you, you will lose the blessing. after a while, i realised i couldn't play the piano that well anymore, i lost many opportunities to serve due to my lackluster attitude in serving. when i really had time and was willing to put in my effort, it was all taken away from me. only then i realised my folly in my pride, and in my lack of commitment to God.

i really hate myself for that. for my lack of want in serving God more. there were many times i cried so hard, not because i felt God wasn't there, but because i felt God was just so real that i felt so ashamed of my own behaviour. and i doubted my faith in Him for i knew all the truths since young but i never acted on them. i knew i should pursue after His kingdom but yet the world beckons to me. Sometimes, i blame God for being so good to me, for giving me the brains such that i was drawn to use them in this world instead. and as i count my countless blessings from God, i wondered who i am to deserve all these. i didn't, but He gave because He loved me. i even blamed God, for giving my smooth times, such that i drifted apart from Him. When trials came, i never hesitated looking for God, because He delivers all the time. i just wished i didn't look for Him only in difficult circumstances. it is a constant lesson for me to learn.

Now that i'm beginning to get more opportunities to serve, i have to constantly remind myself to do it for His glory, for my depraved nature wants to claim all glory. i constantly fear of making mistakes, but to be honest, it was just because i didn't want to feel embarrassed, not because i wanted to make everything perfect so that God gets His full deserved glory. I'm just so thankful to this merciful God who forgives me and loves me all the more, for He is patient with a sinner like me, to allow me to correct my mindset over the years through precious lessons.

I'm really excited about the future! Even though i'm taking really baby steps (you won't believe how slow i am in turning to Him after seeing His great works in my life), i hope to work towards Holiness and in strengthening my faith in Him. i'm sure it's not about the knowledge only; i need to fully acknowledge Him as the Lord and Saviour of my life, to trust in Him for every issue and to convince myself to use all i have from Him for Him. Glory be to God.