today, the verse on "love your enemies" also struck me.
when i hear about love your enemies in the past, i didn't think it was that difficult, but i realised it prob was difficult to act it out.
and i guess cos at work now i have this colleague at work whom i really detest. that i realised how i've been acting towards him and also gossiping about him. i was ultra hypocritical in front of him; i speak to him pretty nicely, yet whenever i turn away i just feel this hatred for him and what he did to me.
what really made me really pissed off is that he really ignores me at work. technically i should be happy about it, but im pissed off. so i do the same back to him. but i guess it didn't really make me happy.
i also resent the fact that i had to do unclaimed with him a few times. damn suay i always tell myself. but that aside, i did recall that he's been really nice and helpful at unclaimed when i met with problems.
so.........that day when me steph and tingying were talking about this eating place and he just came in and asked what we were talking about, my 1st instinct was to ignore him. and steph and tingying ignored him too, that made me gloat a little, like, haha!now you're getting the treatment you always give me! but...i decided to be nice and answered him. i guess, im kind of a zui ying xin ruan person, so after i answered him i actually didnt feel any resentment towards him. and when i read "love your enemies" today, i guess i really felt it that day, and it didn't feel too bad. i guess it will take a while for me to truly love him like a friend, but i would want to try. being nice did feel better than bearing hatred anyway. i hope i will be able to persevere in this small lesson in life(:
Sunday, August 11, 2013
today, i learnt the lesson of submission.
after i taught sunday school for about 2 lessons, i was asked to teach another class as one of their teacher was leaving, and i was to take the class until they've found a replacement. i guess i was feeling both excited and nervous, because i don't really talk to the kids in that class and now i was to teach more frequently. it required alot more commitment than i have now. but i took up the challenge, and i was always glad to have my partner for many years teaching the same class with me. for we agree upon many things, and at least for me, i learn from our differences.
after teaching the class for about...2 months? today i learned that they've found a replacement for my class and i was to go back to help my previous class. i...had mixed feelings. where should i start...i guess both me and my partner was so comfortable with this temporary arrangement that we forgot it wasn't going to be permanent. or maybe we just hoped that it would be permanent. and it came so suddenly that we were not prepared for it. like, i was still supposed to be teaching today's lesson and i was asked to go back to my own class today. i had to stay on at least for today. tried my best to make the new teacher feel welcomed and less awkward, and for her to understand how our class is usually conducted. to be truthful, i did feel alittle resentful of the fact that she's going to take my place. i guess i didn't expect myself to be so attached to this class in this short span of time, but i am fond of this class already. it hasn't been easy at all, but it was a good challenge to my own faith and to do a good job teaching and guiding these students.
but God has His plans. His good plans. i got reminded by my own lesson on prayer, how Jesus actually prayed for strength and obedience at Gethsemane and submitted to God's will. it's really amazing how sometimes we learn more from being a teacher than we do as a student. through this incident, i felt that i finally did learn the lesson of submission, and it made it easier for me to accept the fact that i was going back to my own class. may i gain strength from prayer and submit to this plan, and to have faith and dependence on God that has His wonderful plan.
after i taught sunday school for about 2 lessons, i was asked to teach another class as one of their teacher was leaving, and i was to take the class until they've found a replacement. i guess i was feeling both excited and nervous, because i don't really talk to the kids in that class and now i was to teach more frequently. it required alot more commitment than i have now. but i took up the challenge, and i was always glad to have my partner for many years teaching the same class with me. for we agree upon many things, and at least for me, i learn from our differences.
after teaching the class for about...2 months? today i learned that they've found a replacement for my class and i was to go back to help my previous class. i...had mixed feelings. where should i start...i guess both me and my partner was so comfortable with this temporary arrangement that we forgot it wasn't going to be permanent. or maybe we just hoped that it would be permanent. and it came so suddenly that we were not prepared for it. like, i was still supposed to be teaching today's lesson and i was asked to go back to my own class today. i had to stay on at least for today. tried my best to make the new teacher feel welcomed and less awkward, and for her to understand how our class is usually conducted. to be truthful, i did feel alittle resentful of the fact that she's going to take my place. i guess i didn't expect myself to be so attached to this class in this short span of time, but i am fond of this class already. it hasn't been easy at all, but it was a good challenge to my own faith and to do a good job teaching and guiding these students.
but God has His plans. His good plans. i got reminded by my own lesson on prayer, how Jesus actually prayed for strength and obedience at Gethsemane and submitted to God's will. it's really amazing how sometimes we learn more from being a teacher than we do as a student. through this incident, i felt that i finally did learn the lesson of submission, and it made it easier for me to accept the fact that i was going back to my own class. may i gain strength from prayer and submit to this plan, and to have faith and dependence on God that has His wonderful plan.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
yesterday was our church fellowship 10th anniversary. it was a timely reminder of the wonderful grace of God throughout these 10 years together.
it began when we shifted from hougang to geylang, with a small fellowship size of less than 20. i was 13 when i started serving in the fellowship as a music coordinator, and together with jasper we played the piano in fellowship every sat. at that point of time i served humbly although it was quite an insignificant role. i prob knew how to play the songs better than i could sing them. However, other than my own duties, i was never really involved in the other fellowship ministries as i felt it wasn't really my concern.
it was indeed a start. the seeding of this ego in me, egged on by praises by random church members as i played for service. it did get the better of me. for a long time, i was serving God for my own pride and not truly to glorify God. i guess i was surprised at how easily i got conceited about it. and i started serving only when i had to, devoting more time to school, studies, etc. i found coming to fellowship a chore, and preparing for service a chore as well as i didn't really have time to practice till the very last min.
i guess this is what they meant by if you do not cherish what God gave you, you will lose the blessing. after a while, i realised i couldn't play the piano that well anymore, i lost many opportunities to serve due to my lackluster attitude in serving. when i really had time and was willing to put in my effort, it was all taken away from me. only then i realised my folly in my pride, and in my lack of commitment to God.
i really hate myself for that. for my lack of want in serving God more. there were many times i cried so hard, not because i felt God wasn't there, but because i felt God was just so real that i felt so ashamed of my own behaviour. and i doubted my faith in Him for i knew all the truths since young but i never acted on them. i knew i should pursue after His kingdom but yet the world beckons to me. Sometimes, i blame God for being so good to me, for giving me the brains such that i was drawn to use them in this world instead. and as i count my countless blessings from God, i wondered who i am to deserve all these. i didn't, but He gave because He loved me. i even blamed God, for giving my smooth times, such that i drifted apart from Him. When trials came, i never hesitated looking for God, because He delivers all the time. i just wished i didn't look for Him only in difficult circumstances. it is a constant lesson for me to learn.
Now that i'm beginning to get more opportunities to serve, i have to constantly remind myself to do it for His glory, for my depraved nature wants to claim all glory. i constantly fear of making mistakes, but to be honest, it was just because i didn't want to feel embarrassed, not because i wanted to make everything perfect so that God gets His full deserved glory. I'm just so thankful to this merciful God who forgives me and loves me all the more, for He is patient with a sinner like me, to allow me to correct my mindset over the years through precious lessons.
I'm really excited about the future! Even though i'm taking really baby steps (you won't believe how slow i am in turning to Him after seeing His great works in my life), i hope to work towards Holiness and in strengthening my faith in Him. i'm sure it's not about the knowledge only; i need to fully acknowledge Him as the Lord and Saviour of my life, to trust in Him for every issue and to convince myself to use all i have from Him for Him. Glory be to God.
it began when we shifted from hougang to geylang, with a small fellowship size of less than 20. i was 13 when i started serving in the fellowship as a music coordinator, and together with jasper we played the piano in fellowship every sat. at that point of time i served humbly although it was quite an insignificant role. i prob knew how to play the songs better than i could sing them. However, other than my own duties, i was never really involved in the other fellowship ministries as i felt it wasn't really my concern.
it was indeed a start. the seeding of this ego in me, egged on by praises by random church members as i played for service. it did get the better of me. for a long time, i was serving God for my own pride and not truly to glorify God. i guess i was surprised at how easily i got conceited about it. and i started serving only when i had to, devoting more time to school, studies, etc. i found coming to fellowship a chore, and preparing for service a chore as well as i didn't really have time to practice till the very last min.
i guess this is what they meant by if you do not cherish what God gave you, you will lose the blessing. after a while, i realised i couldn't play the piano that well anymore, i lost many opportunities to serve due to my lackluster attitude in serving. when i really had time and was willing to put in my effort, it was all taken away from me. only then i realised my folly in my pride, and in my lack of commitment to God.
i really hate myself for that. for my lack of want in serving God more. there were many times i cried so hard, not because i felt God wasn't there, but because i felt God was just so real that i felt so ashamed of my own behaviour. and i doubted my faith in Him for i knew all the truths since young but i never acted on them. i knew i should pursue after His kingdom but yet the world beckons to me. Sometimes, i blame God for being so good to me, for giving me the brains such that i was drawn to use them in this world instead. and as i count my countless blessings from God, i wondered who i am to deserve all these. i didn't, but He gave because He loved me. i even blamed God, for giving my smooth times, such that i drifted apart from Him. When trials came, i never hesitated looking for God, because He delivers all the time. i just wished i didn't look for Him only in difficult circumstances. it is a constant lesson for me to learn.
Now that i'm beginning to get more opportunities to serve, i have to constantly remind myself to do it for His glory, for my depraved nature wants to claim all glory. i constantly fear of making mistakes, but to be honest, it was just because i didn't want to feel embarrassed, not because i wanted to make everything perfect so that God gets His full deserved glory. I'm just so thankful to this merciful God who forgives me and loves me all the more, for He is patient with a sinner like me, to allow me to correct my mindset over the years through precious lessons.
I'm really excited about the future! Even though i'm taking really baby steps (you won't believe how slow i am in turning to Him after seeing His great works in my life), i hope to work towards Holiness and in strengthening my faith in Him. i'm sure it's not about the knowledge only; i need to fully acknowledge Him as the Lord and Saviour of my life, to trust in Him for every issue and to convince myself to use all i have from Him for Him. Glory be to God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)